Fairy Tales and Tails
by Writing bunny
Summary: A collection of funny oneshots from Fairy Tail world. Chapter 4: The real reason Loke didn't show up when Lucy called him in Edolas
1. Sabertooth's eating contest

**Author's note:** After a long hiatus I'm back with a new collection from a new fandom. I have currently prepared four chapters of this. More will come whenever inspiration hits and I muster enough energy to actually write it.

Genre: Humor

Rating: K

Characters: Minerva, Sting

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 **Eating contest**

Minerva chewed the food in her mouth. She knew it was excellent, but after chewing it for more than three hours, she couldn't feel its taste anymore. But that didn't matter. What mattered was victory and she was willing to do everything in her power to achieve it. After all, that was what being a mage of Sabertooth was all about. Doing whatever it took to win. Eating a pile of tasteless food wasn't the most unpleasant thing she ever had to do to achieve that end. Not by far. And so she put another spoonful in her mouth and proceeded with chewing.

She quickly glanced to her right, where the only remaining competition was slaving over his plate. Everybody else had already dropped out of Sabertooth's annual eating contest, some of them after mere twenty minutes and two plates, those wimps, and now only she and Sting remained. And from what she could see, the guild master wasn't doing well. All the food had transformed into fat already, so he now looked like a baby whale, and every bite was obviously causing him pain. Minerva smiled slightly. He wasn't going to last for another twenty minutes, of that she was certain. She could still go for hours and do it without endangering her perfect figure. Victory was assured to be hers.

She continued watching covertly as Sting looked closer and closer to tears. She made a show of enjoying every bite. And ten minutes later her efforts paid off. The Light dragon slayer finally couldn't go on anymore and fell off his chair with a pained cry. She smirked and ordered another plate, watching as Sting rolled on the ground, having become so fat he couldn't walk.

She finished her last plate, even though she didn't have to. The contest was already over. The referee declared her the winner. She beamed at all the defeated mages. Suckers, the lot of them. In the whole three hours none of them had noticed that she wasn't actually swallowing, but transported the chewed food to another dimension with her Territory magic. Was that cheating? So what? She was a mage of Sabertooth and she did everything in her power to win.


	2. Mission with Mavis

**Author's note:** I'm a bit disappointed with the lack of reviews, but at least two people liked it, so I present you the next chapter. Hopefully you'll like it better than the last one.

Rating: K+

Genre: Humor/Adventure

Characters: Mavis, Lucy, Natsu, Erza, Gray, Happy

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 **Mission with Mavis**

The team had originally taken the ghost girl along out of pity. It was a few weeks after the Grand Magic Games and there had been a party in Fairy Tail. Mavis took part too. As she listened to Natsu bragging about what had happened on his latest job, she sighed that she wished she could go on jobs too and then insisted that she wasn't crying at all, with tears streaming down her face. And so Lucy had offered her to tag along on their next job. The First guild master had agreed with childish excitement.

At first they hadn't thought that she would be of much use, being a ghost and all. But when the supposedly simple gang of thieves terrorizing a rural area turned out to be a Zeref-worshipping dark guild (seriously, there were a dime a dozen of those lately), they were very grateful for her presence. She had spotted a trap before they could walk into it and her quick analysis let them know who was best suited to fight which elite member of the dark guild, whose name they didn't quite catch. So what could have been a very dangerous mission was finished fairly quickly and with no injuries on Fairy Tail's side.

Now only the leader of the worshippers was left and she was cornered by all of the team with no way out. She looked defiant and ready to fight, but it was obvious that she stood no chance. And then it happened.

"Why are you doing this?" Lucy asked. She was the only one who still felt like asking questions. Everybody else was feeling like beating the dark guild master into a bloody pulp. But now that Lucy had asked, they felt obliged to wait for an answer. What a pain.

"Well, we want to summon Zeref, obviously," the woman answered.

"And then what?" Lucy inquired. Natsu groaned. Yet another delay before he could proceed with the beating.

"Then," she smiled mysteriously and struck a sexy pose, showing off her voluptuous figure in a skimpy outfit, "I'm going to make him fall in love with me and we'll rule this world together," she finished, looking very smug at her ingenious plan, apparently convinced that it was foolproof and that no-one had over come up with anything similar before.

"That..." Erza wanted to say that it was the dumbest plan she had ever heard, but somebody was faster.

"Don't you dare, you harlot!" Mavis hollered and launched herself at the cult leader in an attempt to claw her eyes out. The dark mage was completely unfazed, being completely unable to see or hear the ghost, who was still trying to tear off her face in vain.

"What's this about?" Gray asked after a few seconds of stunned silence.

"She llllllllikes him," Happy chuckled, always ready to see romance everywhere.

"Don't say such things, Happy," Natsu warned. "Not even as a joke."

"My love for Zeref is no joke!" the guildmaster screamed, completely unaware of what the conversation was really about.

"Shut up!" four voices exclaimed in unison and a flaming fist, a sword, an icicle and a whip hitting her simultaneously shut her up quite effectively.

"Now seriously, what was that all about?" Lucy asked.

"Eh... just some weird stuff. Let's forget about it," Natsu suggested.

"Right," Gray for once agreed with his rival.

"Who cares about what some dark mage says," Erza added.

"But they lllllllli..." Happy started, but was quickly silenced by deadly glares from the rest of the team.

And so they decided to dismiss the whole experience as just another odd occurrence that happen on most missions, all silently agreeing that Happy's suggestion was just plain ludicrous. Because none of them could see Mavis blushing furiously.


	3. Working for Spriggan

**Author's note:** Alright, here comes a new chapter. I hope it doesn't disappoint.

Genre: Humor/Mystery

Rating: K

Characters: Invel, Yajeel

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 **Paperwork trouble.**

"Care to explain this, Yajeel?" Invel asked in a quiet, deceptively calm voice. The old man knew very well that the Winter King was quite angry.

"This?" he asked, biding for time. He had to figure out what got the Emperor's most trusted councilor so angry and come up with a good answer.

"Yes, this," Invel waved a sheet of paper in his face. "What is the meaning of this?"

"I believe this is the status report on our northern navy," Yajeel answered, still not quite understanding what was the problem. As Invel was still scowling at his through his glasses, he continued. "It says that a ship ran into an iceberg, but another ship was nearby so most of the sailors were saved..."

"That's not the problem," Invel interrupted. His voice didn't sound quite as calm anymore. "Is there any good reason why it is folded up like this?"

"Oh, that," Yajeel nodded. "Is that a problem?"

"Yes, it is," the Winter King insisted.

"Why?" the old man couldn't understand. "It's still legible."

"That's not the problem. Important documents aren't supposed to be folded up. Why did you even do it like this?" Invel questioned as he stared at the lines crisscrossing the paper.

"Uh... well... when His Majesty asked me for the report, I had to get it to him somehow," Yajeel explained.

"That still doesn't explain why... wait," he blinked as the folding lines suddenly started making sense, "you made a paper airplane out of this?"

"Yes," the old man nodded.

"And you threw it at him?" Invel questioned.

"Yes," Yajeel confessed.

"You can't throw paper airplanes at the Emperor!"

"But His Majesty never minded," Yajeel replied. "He thinks it's funny." Sometimes Invel couldn't believe the madhouse he was living in. How come the Albareth Empire hadn't fallen apart yet, considering what kind of whackos were in charge?

"He really should... wait, this wasn't the first time you did that?" Yajeel's guilty face was all the answer he needed. "You folded up more reports?" And orders and drafts of laws and foreign treaties, but the old man realized that admitting it would be detrimental to his health.

"Someone of my power cannot approach His Majesty," he said instead. "I would get my soul sucked out."

"It doesn't work that way," Invel pointed out. "Besides, if the Ankhseram curse truly activated, standing in the door wouldn't be far enough." Yajeel gulped, realizing that this was true. For a moment he considered just retiring and living out the rest of his years on the other end of Arakitasia. Or maybe even somewhere even farther away. He was brought out of his musings by Invel's voice. "So from now on you will bring all the paperwork to His Majesty personally. If I ever catch you making paper airplanes again..." He didn't need to finish. Yajeel knew that he had the choice between getting his soul sucked out or getting turned into an icicle and shattered.

"I'll never make another paper airplane again," he swore and meant it. Being hit by the Ankhseram curse was quick and supposedly painless.


	4. Loke's problem

**Author's note:** So here comes another chapter. If you like it, don't be shy to say it. It prompts me to write more.

Genre: Humor

Rating: T

Characters: Loke

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 **Bathroom trouble**

The call to pass through the gates came just as he was sitting on the toilet. Yes, even Stellar Spirits needed to go sometimes. And thanks to the difference in time flow between the worlds, even a short bathroom break in the Celestial world could take hours or even a whole day in Earthland. Loke grimaced. Other spirits had days off to take care of their business, but his contract with Lucy stated that she could summon him anytime. So far he had been lucky and she hadn't called on him while he couldn't come, but finally his luck had run out. He had made an arrangement with Virgo to go in his place and now it was her time to shine. She had detailed instructions on how she was supposed to explain his absence. After all, it was much less embarrassing if Lucy thought he was on a date.


End file.
